wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
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[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I’m dying louder than usual today.