“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that