Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.