Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
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My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG