Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*