I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip