30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Harsh but fair
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.