What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”