Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Canadian owl: Eh?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.