[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
You Might Also Like
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Happy birthday to all the women
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…