I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
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“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.