[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Finally, an explanation.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Stop sending me this shit.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
men are simple creatures
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.