No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
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*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot