Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
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*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Feels
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug