my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
May never get over this
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
🤣✨#caturday
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.