“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
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[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.