90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Become ungovernable.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.