Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
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I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My dad is at it again
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what