*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
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parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Happy thanksgiving!
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Breaking news:
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.