When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
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cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.