Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle