Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
You Might Also Like
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Science memes
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
(True)
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.