I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
You Might Also Like
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no