When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
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“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.