“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.