rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
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STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.