I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Me, flirting😏
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.