Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
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Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.