What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
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Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Sunday
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”