therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
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hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
i think both sides are to blame here
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.