Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
You Might Also Like
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”