Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.