The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: