In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
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I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
all that yoga finally paid off
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.