2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
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Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Meow