[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Interior design 👌
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.