In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.