*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
🔦🌙👣
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
step 6: release the wall snake
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.