I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
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“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.