I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
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“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.