I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES