rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
You Might Also Like
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
#Caturday
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass