Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Buck naked
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.