I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
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cat faces on other animals, a thread
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Love it! 👍😂