One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
New mindset, who dis?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
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If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]