A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed