First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
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[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.