herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
You Might Also Like
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob