what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I don’t know what to do
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…