How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
PARKOUR
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
This is Sparta
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.